Grow Your Own

I've only ever grown 2 things in my life.
1. A Beard - it was decidedly patchy with flecks of grey nestled in the dark stubble.  It looked bloody stupid, yet every holiday I am intent on growing my 'Holiday Beard'
2.  A Beer Gut - this is an ongoing project, and is tended to with care each and every weekend

So why have I got an Allotment?
Answer: I haven't.  The Allotment is the property of my wife - which means I have to assist with the care and horticultural activity.
So for nigh on a year I have been digging weeds, raking stones and erecting a fence for what?
I don't even eat vegetables, but I continue to assist for a couple of reasons.
Firstly, she's my wife and helping is part of the marriage deal, and secondly for the gift of Amazon vouchers & chinese food (not that I'm in any way mercenary).

Thing is, I'm always reminded of The Young Ones when they went all 'Good Life':
"We sow the seed, Nature grows the seed, and then we eat the seed"

To paraphrase (is that the right word?) Rick in this clip: What about CDs? What about Beer?  What about Takeaway Curry?  Can we grow any of that?
Sadly not, we don't have the correct seeds apparently

However - in answer to the Beer question, once the Allotment is all clear and established, I'm going to get some Hop plants and grow my own hops.  I will be brewing using my own hops, so it might not all be bad.

The bit I don't get about Allotments, or indeed gardening in general, is why would you want a weekend hobby that leaves you sitting on your sofa on a Sunday night nursing a bad back and feeling more shattered than you were when you finished work on Friday?


In Other News:
40 Pints of IPA have been bottled, and a 40 pint batch of Cider has been prepared.  Should now ferment for 7 days (or so) before bottling.

The musical accompaniment to this task: Sham 69
(I'm not going to write a long, drawn out missive about "Why 'The Adventures Of The Hersham Boys' is the great lost classic album of 1979".  (It is good though))

Shuffle - Good or Bad?

The Shuffle function on iPod, iTunes, iwhateverapplehasbroughtoutnow, or the Random function on Media Player or any jukebox/player, is the easy way to play music without having to select or plan what you're going to play.
The Library is already there, it contains stuff you know, so you're unlikely to be disappointeed by its output.

Shuffle effectively replaces the time and effort needed to create a mix-tape/mix CD.  But is that a good thing?

Guidance for creation of the perfect mix-tape is widely available, not least in 'High Fidelity'.

Mix-tapes (I still call them that, even though they are obviously on CD) tend to be produced either:
1. to show off new music & old favourites to friends
2. to catalogue the tunes that are currently "floating your boat"

In the case of item 1, I would go out of my way to find a host of relatively unheard tracks with the prime intention of introducing friends to great bands and songs they may not have heard (also know as 'showing off')

Item 2 is a real "this was where my head was at then" affair.  I recently found a box full of old tapes I'd made, and on listening to them re-discovered a series of lost/forgotten songs, and every so often hitting a "what the f**k was I thinking" moment.

I'm still making mix-tapes, usually every couple of months.  Its a whole lot easier know - you just drag the required files into iTunes or Media Player and the system tells you how long each song is and how much space there is left on the disk.

Years ago, making a mix-tape was a virtual science.  The process was:

• identify the songs you want
• find out the time of each track
• sequence logoically
• calculate the time used on each side of the tape (ie max 45 minutes) - remember: there is nothing worse than a song ending halfway through because you've run out of tape
• re-sequence if necessary
• record
• listen back
• re-sequence & re-record if required

The Shuffle function negates this process, but it also loses the flow/sequence of what you are listening to.
When making a mix-tape, you're unlikely to order it so that as a Motorhead track ends, it is immediately followed by Steeleye Spans 'All Around My Hat'.  No, you have to build the bridge between the songs, gradually slowing down and changing style.  With Shuffle, it will happen, and then be followed by Ram Jams 'Black Betty'.

Shuffle - it has a purpose, it does the job - but it can never replace the greatness of a perfectly sequenced mix-tape

Cultural Metrication

Imperial measurements can no longer be used.

All imperial measurements must now be expressed as the metric equivalent.

The following must now be re-titled

Manic Street Preachers - 4st 7lbs => 28.6 kilograms
Tyrannosaurus Rex - One Inch Rock => 25.4mm Rock
Splodgenessabounds - 2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Please => 1.136 litres of Lager and a Packet of Crisps Please
Proclaimers - 500 Miles => 804.7 kilometres
Free - Tons Of Sobs => 1,016 kg of Sobs
De La Soul - 3 Feet High & Rising => 0.914 metres High & Rising

Thousand Yard Stare => 914.4 Metre Stare
Gallon Drunk => 4.54 litre Drunk

One Foot in The Grave => Approximately 30cm in the Grave
The Green Mile => the Green 1.6km
44 Inch Chest => 111.7cm Chest
The Whole Nine Yards => The Whole 8.33 metres

Gregory Peck => Gregory 9.09 litres
Garry Bushell => Garry 36.4 litres

Sex Pistols Day

 

More difficult than Beatles Day, as there is only one (official) album.  But what an album it is!

Holidays In The Sun - Album starts with the sound of marching and then a single chord, and the riff kicks in.  A simple yet effective 4 chord riff not dis-similar to The Jam's In The City.  Written after a visit to the Berlin Wall.

Bodies - Despite popular belief that the Pistols songs were "full of swearing", this is the only Sex Pistols song to contain the word "Fuck" (apart from 'Friggin In The Riggin').  Based on a true story of a fan visiting John carrying an aborted phoetus in a carrier bag

No Feelings - Another fantastic 4 chord riff, and a lyric which sounds extremely self-centred "I've got No Feelings, for anyone else, except for myself" (see also 'Problems').  Sid Vicious actually plays on this track, but his bass playing is so low in the mix you'd never know.

Liar - Is this McLaren again?  I don't think the band got on with their manager too well.  Great lyrics and a great vocal performance, but not a truly great song

God Save The Queen - Written in October 1976 and originally called "No Future".  The fact it was released in June 1977 under this title is purely coincidental (or more McLaren scullduggery?)
Contains the most powerful opening riff I have heard - Rock at it's best.

Problems - This turns the attention onto the listening audience.  To sum up: You've got a problem? So what - sort it out yourself ("Sex Pistols as a force for inspiration").  Memorable for the hypnotic chanting of "Problem" at the end of the song.  You hear it and you WILL remember it.

Seventeen - One of the bands early original songs, lyrically changed to have a pop at Malcolm McLaren ("You're only 29, got a lot to learn, but when your business dies, it will not return").
The chorus is "I'm a Lazy Sod" which some have suggested is my theme tune

Anarchy In The UK - First single, perfect introduction to the band and what they're about.  The fist version (produced by Dave Goodman) contains the opening statement "Vinyl Quotation Number 1", and (to me) is a better production than the album version.
Is it a manifesto? Is it a statement of intent? Is it a political comment?  No - its just a bloody good rock song.
Fancy a laugh? Listen to the lyrically confused Megadeth cover version

Submission - Another McLaren-baiting song.  Malcolm suggested the band write a song about bondage, John & Glen respond with "I'm on a submarine mission ..."
Not on the original pressing of the album, but later versions came with Submission on a one-sided 7" single insert.

Pretty Vacant - The most commercial Sex Pistols song.  The main riff is so simple, even I can play it.  Got mthe band shown on Top Of The Pops merely a month after the BCC banning of 'God Save The Queen'

New York - McLaren again - "An imitation from New York", "Four years on, You still look the same, I think its about time, You changed your brain, You're just a pile of shit, You're coming to this" - I'm sure they didn't get on with him that much at all.  Or is it a statement to The New York Dolls?  The lyrics fit equally as well.
New York Dolls/Sex Pistols trivia time: the white Les Paul played by Steve Jones once belonged to Dolls guitarist Sylvain Sylvain, and was given to Steve Jones (by Malcolm McLaren) in 1976.  Interestingly, ex-New York Doll Johnny Thunders later recorded a response to this song entitled "London Boys" with Paul Cook on Drums and Steve Jones on guitar.  Its a funny old cyclical world isn't it.

EMI - Self-referential story of the bands tenure with the institution that is (was?) EMI Records.
Last sound you hear is John blowing a raspberry - a memorable finish to a fantastic 40 minutes

As far as debut albums go, this is one of the best.
As far as all-time classic albums are concerned, this is a permanent member of the Top 10


The only other "official" release is the soundtrack to the Malcolm McLaren vanity-project that is 'The Great Rock n Roll Swindle'
The album does contain some original tracks, the best being Silly Thing, Lonely Boy, No One Is Innocent and the title track.  Tenpole Tudors' contribution (Who Killed Bambi & Rock Around The Clock) are enjoyable, yet equally disposable), but the rest is a collection of stuff just to fill up space.  Far too much filler, overdubbed demo recordings and alternative versions.

To continue the Pistols journey further, next stop is the solo/new band releases:

Public Image Limited are by far the most successful post-Pistols band, and are also a different proposition, not just an extension of the Pistols sound.
Its hard to listen to this album straight after NMTB.  Its much more experimental, and probably more influenced by the stuff John Lydon used to listen to than the Pistols (obvious example: Can) .  In fact when you play the first track, the immediate response after NMTB is "what the kin-ell is this?".  Persevere & listen again, it is a brilliant album.
Johnny Rotten is dead, Long live John Lydon

Rich Kids: The band Glen Matlock put together after his ousting from the Pistols.  The songs on their only album (Ghosts Of Princes In Towers) are great, just compromised by an extremely muddy production job by Mick Ronson

Professionals: Cook & Jones post-Pistols band and a continuation of the sound from 1978 onwards.  Their first album (due for release in 1979) remained unreleased due to royalty payment disputes with bassist Andy Allen.
It wasn't until 1981 that a Professionals album was released, and by this time their moment had gone.  Shame, because this album (I Didn't See It Coming) does contain some  truly great songs (The Magnificent, Kick Down The Doors, Just Another Dream & 123 being the best)

Sid Vicious: Sid Sings - Bloody awful!

What is the point of ... ?

• Disposable Barbecues
  Too small to cook enough for 4 people in one go
  Take twice as long to cook a sausage as grilling/frying in the normal way
  Too much smoke, not enough heat

• Dermot O'Leary (or any TV Presenter turned radio DJ)
  Radio DJ and TV Presenter are two distinct activities - Radio to TV usually works, TV to Radio invariably ends in failure

• +1 TV Channels
  The concept is good ('missed your favourite show? catch up with it one hour after original broadcast'), but surely this is the point of iPlayer (other variants are available).
  How long before +2, +12 or +1 Day channels appear to fill up the missing numbers on the tellybox?

• Mowing the lawn
  Is there a more tedious pursuit?
  You walk along with your mower, and you just know that the sodding grass you've just cut behind you is already starting to grow again, meaning you're going to have to do it all again in a week/fortnight.
  I have a solution to this annoyance - concrete

• Twitter
  The mini-sized social networking tool is used to immediately comment your feelings and thoughts your followers.  You are of course limited t

Further signs of Grumpiness

When I was a kid, it was always amusing when my Grandad would argue with the telly.  This often used to happen during the News, and is now enshrined as part of family legacy (along with waking up in the middle of a game of Trivial Pursuit and answering someone elses question, and using his whiskey glass (still full) as a dice shaker)).

After the previous post on the subject, I have self-consciously noted my ever-growing curmudgeonly ways and can report that I now (pretty regulartly) argue with the TV, radio and newspapers

An Observation

OJ Borg is the presenter of the National Lottery show on BBC.
Surname of Borg?
Solid features reminiscent of Kryten in Red Dwarf?

His first name shouldn't be OJ, I believe it is CY.